


Six Crows and Four Dirty Paws

by ViolettNightfury



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Chapter 5 in Progress that's why this is happening, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kaz has a Cat, Multi, Of DP, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, and I thought i could write something happy for once!, anything graphic will be mentioned beforehand, it's only mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:22:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25649482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViolettNightfury/pseuds/ViolettNightfury
Summary: While patrolling through the Barrel, Kaz finds an abused looking cat.Rather than leaving her, he decides to adopt the kitten and, unknowingly, adds her to the family.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 43





	1. Scrawny Kitten on the Streets

**Author's Note:**

> In this chapter, we get to see how Kaz gets a pet!

The Barrel hasn't been interesting for Kaz in years. Everytime he patrolled, he remembered the times he was amazed by its seize, the secret paths and hiding places.

Now it was always the same. He didn't find hidden ways or new places. The alleys didn't lead to another part of Ketterdam he hasn't been before and in them he didn't find other gang member threatening passengers.

 _At least it's quieter_ , he thought, while absent-mindly kicking a shard of glass out of the way.

Faintly he heard footsteps of people, that were walking the streets.  
It was the only sound really. With nothing to distract himself with, his mind kept wandering of. 

Kaz shook his head.  
_Concentrate!_ , he scolded himself. _I should have asked Specht to patrol tonight. Or Anika._

He turned. The next few alleys weren't any different.  
Not even some rich guy he could steal from. Not that those were common here anyways, but it would have been a nice end to a crapoy day.

His whole day was just looking at papers, going to meetings, helping Jesper with a small heißt, his leg hurting all day and eating a strawberry.  
All in all, Kaz really didn't have the energy to go through the whole Barrel and climb up and down buildings.

He was near the University District, in a part that _technically_ wasn't part of Barrel. Still, you can never be careful enough.

He turned into another alley on his left, it should lead him right behind the Crow Club.

Kaz sighed. He had hoped that at least the Las alley held a surprise. But no.  
Nothing. 

With boredom taking over, he started to limp faster.

_Let's finish this quickly._

Seems like he was right.  
At the end, the alley divided in two directions, left and right.  
On his right, he could already see the outline of the Slat and Crow Club. He made his way to it, but stopped. 

In the left alley something was stirring. Kaz narrowed his eyes, as he went to investigate. The stirring stopped when he was halfway through the alley. 

_Interesting._

Kaz shrugged. Maybe whoever it was got scared and ran of?  
He would send Rotty later. 

"Meow!" 

Kaz froze. "What?", he muttered. 

"MeOW!" 

Kaz turned to a dumpster, where the sound seemed to come from.  
He crouched down next to it and stared at the gap between it and the wall of the building on its side.

He was greeted with two wide, chestnut colored eyes and a small, pink nose.  
A white cat peeeked from behind the dumpster and stared up at Kaz curiously.

Kaz could only gape at the scrawny thing, as it carefully, stumbled over to him.

It didn't seem to be all to old. Maybe a year at most.  
Its head was pearl white. Its whole body probably was. But he Kaz couldn't tell, because the thin frame of the creature was stained with mud and blood (that was not supposed to rhyme, but hey) 

The Barrel Boss looked it up and down. All of its paws were pitch black.  
It took another, bumpy step towards Kaz.

And he noticed why.  
It was limping. Its right front paw was barely on the ground.

And it stared at Kaz. 

Chestnut eyes searching Coffee one's.

Without thinking, Kaz held out a gloved hand. A little hesitant, the cat bumped its head into the palm of Kaz's hand.

Carefully, Kaz started scratching it. After a few seconds the purring echoed lightly hrough the alley.  
Kaz withdrew his hand. 

The black pawed animal looked at him.  
"Meow!" 

It seemed starved. Craving love. Mistreated. 

Kaz frowned at the thought. He understood when people hate people, he himself does, but an animal? They were mostly defenseless, had no one besides there owners and couldn't do wrong. 

They can scratch and bite you, yes, but again, they are _animals_!

He grew up on a farm, surrounded by animals. All of them were in good condition, even when he and Jordie left, they made sure that they had it good with their new owner. 

It had never accured to him that not everyone wanted the best for their pets. 

The cat, apparently, got annoyed at Kaz's staring and not acting, as it started scratching the gloves and took it in its mouth, ready to slip it of. 

Kaz's eyes flashed.  
"Hey!", he snapped and carefully pushed the cat's head aside.  
"Leave it!" 

The cat's eyes narrowed in a bored expression, with a flick of its tale, it jumped a forward and pawed on Kaz's pant. 

With a frown Kaz pushed it away again.  
"What is it?", but of course the cat didn't answer, but at least it stopped to stare at him. 

"Meow!" 

Not knowing what else to do, Kaz scratched it again.  
It leaned into his touch. 

Kaz raised an eyebrow.  
"Ah, so you want attention?"  
His answer was a loud pur.

Kaz withdrew his hand again and stood up.   
He glanced down at the cat. 

"I should get going. And you should get some meat on your bones, so...", with that he went on, back home.   
He immediately stopped, as he heard the tapping of the cat's feet behind him.

Kaz glared mildly at it. "Go catch a mouse or something, I don't have time for this!" 

Again he started limping away and again the tapping of cat feet made him stop and look down.  
The cat limped next to him.

He took a step forward.   
The cat limped with him. 

Somehow, Kaz felt something for this cat. It had no where to go, was hurt and hungry and it reminded Kaz of...himself. In a weird kind of way.

It didn't help that it was stained with blood and had glove like paws. 

With a sigh of defeat, Kaz bend down and picked the cat up.

The chestnut eyes looked at him curiously. 

Dirtyhands rolled his eyes.  
"You can stay until you are better. I may be heartless, but even I won't stand for abuse. If I kill someone, I don't torture them, it's a quick death."

He stared. "Most of the time..."

The cat wiggled its way out of his arms and crawled up to his shoulders, where it layed down.

Sighing, Kaz went to the Slat and begged to Ghezen that he would not be seen.


	2. Creeping into Hearts of Stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow Kaz noticed that (t)his cat was...different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so we get to see Kaz trying to keep the fact of a Cat is in the Slat hidden.  
> Oh! And a scene that might be _familiar_ happens!

The Cat (which Kaz discovered was a female) has been at the Slat for about three days now.  
She was always in Kaz's quarters and had never made an attempt to leave them. 

For which the Barrel Boss was grateful. 

He knew the cat would only be staying for a few more days, until he was sure she was all perched up.  
But he still didn't want anyone thinking he was a softy all of a sudden because of one bad looking cat! 

No, he would never live that down.  
Well, with the Dregs...eventually. With the Crows?

He heaved a sigh and just hoped none of them would stop by for a visit today...or tomorrow.  
Life is so complicated sometimes. Or always, depending on who you ask. (this went of topic quickly) 

Kaz leaned forward in his chair to grab a pen, but was interrupted by the sound of an annoyed cat waking from the nap it took ok his lap.  
It - _Her_ chestnut eyes were narrowed in a way that said: _You better have a good excuse for this._

Kaz surpressed a chuckle. That cat must have seen him glare at someone, because _this!_ Was definitely a typical Brekker glare.

Grabbing a pen he watched as the cat jumped off of him and onto his bed instead. With one last glare and an annoyed _Meow!_ she ducked her head under her tail and went back to sleep.

Shaking his head, Kaz went back to his papers. The reports of Dregs somehow seemed to be more annoying than the other times.  
Looking over to the sleeping kitten, he leaned back again and frowned.

"Don't you get to comfortable!", he called and watched as her eyes opened and drifted to him, confused.

Over the last three days, Kaz found out that this cat was surprisingly smart. When he talked to her she would always look at him, make gestures with her head (like nodding or tilting it) and she seemed to understand where she was allowed to be and what was a complete no-go. 

As amazing as Kaz found this, he knew he couldn't keep her. Not that he planned to! 

He was Dirtyhands, the Demon, the Devil Spawn, the most feared Man in Ketterdam, the Basterd of the Barrel! He doesn't have pets.  
He had a reputation to keep. 

An annoyed noise brought him back to reality and he proceeded to glare at the creature on his bed.

"I mean it. You will be out of here by tomorrow morning, so if I were you I would make myself comfortable with the floor."

His firm tone, that let most of his gang members shudder, only seemed to bore the feline, that seemed to stare at him with one eye wider that the other - as if she raised an eyebrow - and seemed to say, _Really?_. And started licking one of her black gloved paws. 

Crossing his arms, Kaz decided to glare at his papers now. His mind running in circles. 

_What is the deal with this cat? What is the deal with_ me _?_ , with a growl, he stood up and moved towards the door. 

The grooming kitten stopped for a moment to look at him. 

Kaz let out a huff.  
"You are so... _weird_. Listen, I'll be back in 15 minutes, no one will come in here, so just _stay in my room_ , alright?"

Chestnut eyes narrowed into a bored expression. 

"If you want some fresh air, just go out through the window, its open."

When he was just about to close the door behind him, he called as an afterthought. "And don't hunt any crows! Inej would never forgive me for this."

He interpreted the purr as an agreement and left for his meeting with Roeder.

_Maybe..._

. _The Cat (Dirtypaws)_

As Her - presumed - owner left, She decided it was time for a hunt.

 _No Crows_ , Her owner had told Her.  
Crows...  
Those were the Night colored ones, right? Whose feathers were always so shiny. 

Her nose twitched. A mice or two would suffice.

Gracefully She slipped out of the house Her owner called _Slat_ and jumped over to the next room.  
Carefully She sprang to a nearby roof from something called the _Crow Club_ and went down with the help of a ladder an a few dumpsters.

She walked through the alley. When it divided in two different directions She stood. Waited.  
Suddenly there was a noise. Like little feet that were running. 

Her ears perked up and Her pupils narrowed.

To the right it is.

. _Kaz_  
_~20min time skip~_

Growling he went his way back to his room. 

He wanted information about the Dime Lions. He didn't care if some Tidemakers were seen near _Goedmedbridge_. (didi spell that correctly?)

He ran a hand through his hair.  
In the middle of him trying not punch Roeder, Pim came in and informed him that the Crows would come by for a visit.  
He wouldn't mind that. 

If it weren't for this adorable kitten that was sleeping on _his bed!_

For a spilt second, he played with the thought of kicking her out today instead of tomorrow, like he planned.

But something - Jordie - told him he couldn't. This cat and him were... _alike_.  
And as much as Kaz wants to deny it, he grew a little atteched to it. But only a little! 

He would still kick her out if he feels like it! (But he doesn't so there's that)

Before he even arrived at the meeting he decided to keep her. She was clever, maybe she could be useful? 

_Wow, little Brother, your excuses are getting better and better_ , Jordie's voice mocked. 

"I'm the elder now...", he grumbled under his breath.  
He stopped dead in his tracks. 

He saw bodies. They were touching him and there was water. And he was drowning. He would be drowning, if it weren't for Jordie.  
The eyes that were staring at him. The flesh against his. The _touching_.

His breathing was shallow. He moved his fingers and felt the leather of his gloves on them. He stared at them for a moment, than pulled them farther up. 

His mind suddenly registered that he was moving again. Moving towards a door. 

His room, right? Yeah, yeah. His room, the cat. 

Kaz stopped before it. Would he tell the cat she could stay? Could she even understand that?

He shrugged worth a try.  
He opened the door. "Hey, cat -" 

She was nowhere to be seen.

. _The Cat (Dirtypaws)_

She ran. 

She ran as fast as Her feet would carry Her. 

The Slat was only a few meters away, not thinking She ran through the main entrance and to the stairs, which Her owner used when he first brought Her here.

She jumped up and reached the third one, where She noticed something. 

Her chest was dirty. Which wouldn't be a problem, if She didn't want to sleep on the bed tonight, and She doubted that Her owner would want his bed (I wrote 'dead' at first) to be full with mud. 

She set down and started grooming herself, trying to get as clean as possible  
Unaware of the five sets of eyes that were staring in shock.

. _Kaz_

Kaz ran out of his room and went to the stairs, not daring to say anything. 

Where was the cat? She should be in his room.  
She _always_ was!  
Did something happen to her?

"Where are you?", he silently called. "I thought we had an agreement!" 

Reaching the stairs, he was ready to bolt down when he saw the feline he was looking for. 

. 

Kaz placed her on his bed. The wide pupils sparkling with delight. 

"Yes, I decided to keep you.", he grunted. "As if that hasn't been your plan all along..."

A smug look appeared on the kitten's face. _Smug_. A _cat!_  
What a nerve the thing had. 

Suddenly the look disappeared and her eyes went to the door. Her ears twitching.  
And Kaz heard it too. 

The shuffling of feet. And he knew who it was. 

He waited for one of them to knock, but nothing happened. 

Annoyed he stood up and opened the door, only to see his five friends looking unsure and Wylan and Inej even looked ready to _leave!_

He raised a brow. "Care to tell me, why you are all here gazing at my door like it's a bag of _kruge_?"

Matthias was the first to stutter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I ever tell you that I never finished Crooked Kingdom? After chapter 40 I - I just couldn't. I died with Matthias okay?
> 
> But...(when will I post this?) 2 days ago I finally did it!  
> ...and I was sad. I am sad. All of this. Was sad.  
> The last three chapter of the book _broke_ me! (Yes Pekka's made me sad as well)
> 
> So how do I cope?  
> Write a new chapter with my OC-emotional-support-cat, coz it makes me feel better!


	3. Members of a Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the Crows meet the kitten, the family grows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DP finally gets her name! And we get to see the Aunt, Uncles and parents thing happen.

"So you adopted a cat?", Kaz nodded. "Out of pity?"  
Inej raised a brow. 

_I'm betting on a million_ kruge _that she is thinking hell froze over_ , Kaz thought as he stroked said cat. 

It took him about 15 minutes to tell the Crows about the kitten, how he found her, the _condition_ he found her in, his plan to kick her out again (he got some glares) and her cleverness.  
To prove his point the cat dipped head in a nod, which made his five friends stare in bewilderment. 

"So...", Jesper started. "What's her name?" 

Kaz furrowed his brow. "I didn't really...name her."  
The others looked at him in confusion. 

The cat adopted her bored expression again and made a motion that could be discribed as an eye roll.  
Kaz smirked a little. 

_Definitely got that from me!_

"An hour ago, I still thought of throwing her out. Why was she supposed to have a name? And everyone knows if you name an animal that doesn't belong to you, you might get...attached.", he grimaced. 

Matthias mumbled something, which made Nina and Jesper snicker. 

Kaz stared at him. "Matthias, would you be a dear and repeat that? I didn't quite catch it."

The former _drükselle_ went white for a second before regaining his posture. "I - I was just saying that..."

The feline and Kaz both looked at him in boredom. 

Wylan looked between the two of them. "This is a little scary."  
Inej nodded. 

Jesper gasped. "We went of topic!" 

"And?" 

"We have to name her!"

Kaz lokked a bit annoyed "If you want her to have a name so badly, why don't you pick one?"

He instantly regretted his words. Jesper's face lit up and his grey eyes were searching the kitten on Kaz's lap up and down.  
When the cat stretched, his eyes widened and his gaze was fixed on the black paws.

A grin made its way to his face. It was so big, Kaz didn't even know it was possible to grin so _wide_.

The Zemeni glanced at his friends, than at the cat and than at Kaz. Or specifically, his hands. His black gloved hands.

"What?" 

"Dirtyhands!" 

Kaz frowned. "What?" 

"They call you Dirtyhands. Because of the gloves,, right?" 

_Dirtyhands_ suddenly had a feeling of were this was going. He gazed down into chestnut eyes. 

"You are not doing what I think you are doing...are you?" 

Jesper's grin became even _wider_. "I don't know. What is it that you think I'm going to do?"

Kaz closed his eyes. "You want to name her-" 

"Dirtypaws!", the sharpshooter laughed, followed by the Crows'. "Its perfect! She is so similar to you and she has black paws. _Dirty_ paws!"

Nina's eyes lit up. "Oh! How about we give her a nickname!" 

Inej giggled. "Yes! Any suggestions?" 

Jesper looked thoughtful, but then his grin returned.  
"Let's call her DP!" 

Now it would definitely take a while for the laughing to die down.

.

They looked like children, sitting on the floor in front of him. They were scratching and petting Dirtypaws like there was no tomorrow.

And she let them. 

On his bed, Kaz rolled his eyes.  
They wanted to hold Dirtypaws so badly, that he had just sat them on the floor and told them to ' _take turns, as long as the cat wants it_ '.

Suddenly Wylan's head snapped in his direction.  
Shyly he asked, "Does that mean she is in the family now?"

Kaz raised a brow. "In the 'family'?" 

Jesper, who held Dirtypaws only inches away from his face, turned his head towards him. "Yeah, us Crows. Right guys?" 

Around him, the others nodded in agreement. Matthias rolled his eyes.  
"Don't tell me the _Demjin_ was unaware of this?"

"It seems that I was. But do tell, Jes, how this _family_ works?"

Nina looked at Jesper with big eyes, the sharpshooter sent her a grin.  
"Well Nina and I are the cool-" 

"Annoying", was heard from Matthias. 

"- siblings. Obviously. Matthias just demonstrated that he's _either_ the annoyed uncle or the grumpy grandpa-"

Inej giggled while Kaz snorted. 

" _You two_ are totally the parents!"

Kaz furrowed his brow and glared at the Zemeni. "Explain."

Jesper sent him a look.  
"Kaz, _please_! Inej is like the kind, doting mother that let's you get away with everything and you are the strict father who is up and about to send his kids to a military school."

"Plus you're together!", Nina said before covering her mouth with wide eyes at Kaz's glare. 

Jesper cleared his throat.  
"Well, yeah. And Wylan is, well my boyfriend - _duh!_ \- but in this family he's like the little brother/favorite child."

Inej looked at him in confusion. "Why favorite child? I love you all equally!", she told them with a grin before bursting into giggles.

Nina made an 'awe' sound before howling with laughter as well. 

Matthias pursed his lips in an effort not to smile as he looked at Jesper, who was staring at Wylan, who just looked as confused as Kaz. 

" _Because_ ", the Fabrikator began, "have you ever seen Kaz being mad at someone? Specifically, one of us?" 

The former _drükselle_ nodded. "Just two weeks ago."

Nina looked thoughtful. "I think around that time as well."

Inej stared at the ceiling. "It's been a while. But I think around two months ago."

Jesper nodded. "Three days ago at the Crow Club. Do you see my point?" 

"No.", Kaz answered through clenched teeth. 

With a raised eyesbrow Jesper turned to, poor, confused, Wylan. "Have you ever seen him being mad at you? Like so mad that he didn't even have the energy to yell?"

"No?", the merchling answered hesitantly. 

Nina clapped her hands. "And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! Kaz Brekker has a favorite child!" 

Dirtypaws, who apparently had enough with getting ignored, trotted over to the bed and seated herself on Kaz's lap. The _Demjin_ immediately started stroking her. 

Inej smirked. "Seems like DP is the new favorite _now_."

Jesper gasped. "We went of topic again!"  
He exclaimed while facing Nina. 

The Corporalki blinked. Once. Twice. 

"I'm an Aunt!", she squealed with delight. 

Confusion.  
"Huh?" 

"If DP's a Family member now, than I want to be her awesome Aunt!"

Jesper took Wylan's hand. "Hey, merchling, seems like we're Uncles!" 

The Fjerdan groaned. "Do I have to?" 

Nina poked him in the arm. "Yes. Say it."

Eye roll. "Look at me! I'm a proud Uncle!"  
The Grisha nodded in approval. 

Inej looked at Kaz. Kaz looked at Inej. The Crows looked at Dirtypaws on Kaz's lap. 

"We're the parents?"  
"We're the parents."

"This 'family' doesn't make sense at all."

"You love us anyways."

.

.

.

"Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I make this Fluffy enough? Coz this is supposed to be...Fluff and...Family.
> 
> What am I doing?
> 
> And I wrote that at midnight don't be to hard on me.


	4. Hold Me when I Fall apart - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End Notes are another idea I have...about DP so go check it out!
> 
> Dirtypaws POV 
> 
> Most of the times Dirtypaws returns from her Uncles, her owner is just happy, but on some days, not even licking over his cheek helps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is only one part but I need fillers! 
> 
> So I have the whole story planned out but the parts I am thinking about all appear in later chapters...I am lost.

She does it every time. Jump out of Jesper's arm right into Kaz's lap, there she's the most comfortable.

Instantly she starts purring and rubbing her head against his chest. Most times she would get a pat on the head, or her owner would chuckle and she would see him smile.

He did that so rarely.

On other days he is like... _this_. Just waiting for Uncle Jesper to leave, then his breathing would get all messed up, his heart would beat faster and tears spilled from his eyes.  


He would just sit there, sobbing and occasionally stroking her fur. 

And all she could do was watch.

.

Luckily the longer she lived with him, the lesser these... attacks got. Kaz doen't have them as strong anymore either, but Dirtypaws was still worried.  


He doesn't even talk to anyone about them, well besides her, but she couldn't really do anything. 

All she did was sit on his lap, pur and lick his face, which, to be honest, wasn't all that helpfull.  
He would cry less, but his heartbeat was still far to o fast. Her owner still thanked her for trying every time. 

Knowing she wasn't able to help him, she kinda freaked out when one day, Kaz just - broke. 

There was no better way to discribe it.  
DP jumped on his lap, Uncle Jesper left, the feline could already feel her owner's heartbeat grow faster and instantly started purring.

What she didn't expect, was to be picked up and slowly moved towards the door.  


It opened and she was carefully put the ground. Dirtypaws turned around and looked up into Kaz's sweaty face.

He gave her a wobbly smile. "I know - know you w-want to help, but...I-I _can_ -...  
With that he slammed the door, with DP still sitting outside. 

If she was an ordinary cat, she would either have gone away or scratched at the door to be let in again, but she was smart. And i there was one thing she knew, it was that Kaz shouldn't be alone right now. 

That he should finally talk to someone!

So she ran off. 

She needed one of the Crows _and_ she had to stay hidden. The first person she thought of was Jesper. He always made Kaz smile, so he just had to be able to help him.  


She didn't smell him anywhere near, so to the Crow Club she went!

Even from the Slat she could smell that the Claub was crowded, like every Dreg in the Barrel safe for the Crows is there, crowded.

It would be hard to get to Jesper undetected, but hey, as previously mentioned, she was smart. 

She could do this _easily_.

But again, she was smarter than others. She knew she could technically do it, but the safer way would be to find someone else. 

She couldn't smell Wylan anywhere, so that meant he was probably at home.

Matthias was nice, to her at least, but Kaz would probably just freak out.  
Ha and Nina were in a trip anyway. So both of them where a big fat _No_!

She was about to give up and try getting to him again when she saw something, from the corner of her eye.  
A shadow, a ghost, a _Wraith_.

 _Mom is back!_ , she thought, and happily trotted in her direction. 

. _Inej_ (wow haven't done this one before) 

She took a deep breath.  
She has been trying to find a place to stay outside of the Barrel. 

It's been a hard chase, but she finally found an apartment near Wylan's. He and Jesper had even offered to help her pay for it! 

She was on her way to the Slat to pick up some of her stuff, when she suddenly heard something move behind her. 

Her eyes narrowed. She listened as the sound became louder, as it came close to her she whirled around and was about to grab an arm or a throat.  
Her other hand barely touching one of her knifes. 

Noone was there, until she looked down. 

A distressed _Meow!_ came out of Dirtypaws' small mouth. She was running around her feet, occasionally looking up at her.

Inej furrowed her brows and bent down. 

The mostly white cat put her front paws on her knees and meowed again.  
Her tail flicking from side to side. 

Inej carefully extended her hands and took the feline to her chest. She started scratching an ear. 

"Hey, DP. What's gotten into you? Does Kaz know that you are here?", at the mention of her owner her head turned and she meowed again. 

Inej stared into the wide, fearful chestnut eyes.  
Something was wrong.

"Dirtypaws...", she whispered, starting to walk into the direction of the Slat. "Has something happend with K-Kaz?" 

The muffled noise in the back of the cat's throat, was answer enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I know Dirtypaws is somewhat of a favorite on my account so I thought DP could be a constant part on it!
> 
> You know, having her in stories, occasionally in the OS's. I am even thinking about making a collection with _this_ story and other OS's that I will write about her and her adventures. 
> 
> Would you want that?
> 
> And I need ideas for the next few chapter! Anything! Please give me ideas!


	5. Hold Me when I Fall apart - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inej POV
> 
> She shouldn't have left him alone. She knew he wasn't stable enough, but since Dirtypaws entered their lives he seemed happier. Almost alive. 
> 
> She thought he was staring to pick up the pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING**
> 
> **Mentions of Past Self-harm and Suicidal thoughts but nothing graphic! These parts will be marked with _++_ at the beginning and at the end! AND KANEJ FLUFF AT THE END **
> 
> And I'm not self projecting. This is all just my brain.

She climbed the wall towards his room and looked through his closed window. 

He was sitting on the floor, back leaned on his bed, not noticing her dark silhouette pressing against the glass.  
She scanned the room, correction, the mess that was the room. 

Numerous papers lay scattered across the floor. His bedsheets were slightly ripped, and it looked like he tried to turn over his desk. Inej narrowed her eyes and scanned the walls. 

Right across from the window was a dent in the wall. A few dark dots in and around it. 

Inej pursed her lips and let her gaze wander to Kaz once more to check him over. The corners of her lips twitched a little. 

His head was lowered, seemingly staring at the hand that was in his lap. His hands were bare, a little bloody but otherwise fine, and his hair was a mess of tangles and strands that were falling slightly over his eyes. 

Kaz moved to stretch his bad leg and opened his mouth a little, Inej guessed he was groaning.  
She looked around again and saw his cane leaned around the doorknob. 

_Already giving in, are we?_ , a mean part of her taunted the broken boy in her mind.  
She shook her head and climbed higher onto the Slat's roof. 

"Meow!" 

Inej smiled a little at the sight of the concerned feline.  
DP was staring at her with big eyes, standing rigid and slightly pawing at the vent she was about to enter. 

The Wraith kneeled beside Dirtypaws and started opening the vent. 

"We will be with him soon and then everything is going to be fine.", she looked at the cat as it jumped into the shafts and started climbing down herself. 

DP was waiting as the shaft split into two. 

The Suli moved forward and took the right path. It went on like this for a while, Dirtypaws always running ahead and then stopping when she didn't know where to go, waiting for Inej to give her directions. 

When they came to the part where the shaft went downward, the girl slid down first. Once down she sat herself in more comfortable position and held her arms up. 

Big chestnut eyes were staring at her. "I will catch you! Just jump in!" 

Every other cat would have just went ahead staring at her or turning around and leave, but Inej knew that Dirtypaws was different and she knew it. 

Heck, they all did! 

Because in the next moment, the cat was perching herself on Inej's shoulder and slid down her back. 

Inej giggle quietly. "Good girl." 

She scratched DP a scratch under the chin and got a delighted purr in return. 

The Feline started walking again, Inej started crawling after her. They reached a dead end and stared through the slits of the vent. 

They were somewhere under the dent Kaz made while punching the wall, so both Inej and DP had a pretty good view at him. 

His head was bowed, and his shoulders shook. 

When Inej turned to look at Dirtypaws again, the white cat wrinkled her nose in irritation and the fur above her eyes seemed to be drawn together in a frown. 

The Suli bit her lip. She knew that look. 

Turning her attention to Kaz again she could hear it too. The gasps and sobs he tried to hold back.  
He gave a quiet hiccup and groaned. 

"This is not right...", she heard his raspy voice whisper to the seemingly empty room. "Nothing is right...my head isn't - _Happy!_ I got what I wanted so why..." 

He trailed of, still looking at his bloody hands. Slowly he held one of them towards his face with a sigh, then he took something out from under his bed. 

Inej squinted, trying to get a closer look, but she wasn't Jesper. She didn't have eyes that could lock onto the smallest things and recognize them in a matter of seconds. 

When the Barrel Boss held the thing up, it reflected a bit of light. 

Kaz's mouth twitched and his brows furrowed, forming a sad grimace. 

He held the thing down towards his other arm and Inej barely suppressed a scream.  
Suddenly her mind cleared, and her eyes didn't even have to look at the small object anymore. 

It was a razor blade. 

She shouldn't have left him alone. She knew he wasn't stable enough, but since Dirtypaws entered their lives he seemed happier. Almost alive. 

She thought he was starting to pick up the pieces. 

He had been clean for a while now. What changed? Why hadn't she noticed anything? 

Why hadn't he _said_ anything? 

_Dumb question, it's Kaz_ , she thought with slightly wet eyes. _Broken, closed, distant Kaz. But I should have noticed..._

When Kaz had the blade just above his wrist, Inej broke the vent. She saw a flicker of confusion in her - probably, most likely - boyfriend's eyes, before it turned into anger. 

He stood on shaking legs and swallowed visibly a few times. His unsteady gaze locked with her eyes, for the first time since Inej had met the boy, she would have called them shark like. 

"What are you doing here?", he growled out between gasps. 

The Wraith blinked rapidly to keep her tears at bay. Whether they were from anger or fear, she did not know.  
But before she could utter a single word, Dirtypaws ran to her owner and rubbed her head against his good leg and started purring. 

"DP came to me. She seemed...distressed about something. She wanted me to come here." 

Kaz's eyes narrowed. He breathed in deeply and glared at the kitten at his feet. He sniffed in irritation.  
"Distressed. She's just a cat." 

It was said as a whisper, but it made everything around them stop. 

Inej froze and her eyes widened, Dirtypaws stopped purring and stared up at Kaz with her typical 'frown'.  
The crows, that usually cawed outside the window, seemed to have lost their voices. Or maybe they were at loss for words. 

Like her. 

Inej coughed her throat a couple of times.  
"Come again?", she said with a trembling voice. 

Oh, but she had heard him, loud and clearly. She just had to make sure he had...meant it. 

Kaz glared at the pet. "A cat. That's all she is. Nothing more and I should have kicked her out when I had the chance!" (well, that escalated quickly) 

Fury bubbled up in Inej, but as soon as it was there, it disappeared. A look into his eyes told her he was out of it. 

They were glazed over and even though he seemed to be staring deep into his feline's eyes, it was clear he was more likely staring at the floor.  
His tone lacked its usual venom as well and he just sounded devasted and completely worn out. Hollow. 

Inej kneeled down and took the kitten into her arms. Dirtypaws had been standing rigid since Kaz had spoken, her eyes were wide and trained to a spot at a wall. 

The Suli patted her gently and drew her brows together. "You don't mean that." 

Kaz's head snapped into her direction, but he was staring right through her. "Don't I? I'm certain I do. I certainly do, yes. Why wouldn't I? _How would you know?!_ " 

The sharp tone made Inej pause, considering what she was going to say next. He seemed slightly hysterical, easily startled. From his ever-moving eyes and confused expression she guessed he was in a flashback. 

Or maybe he just came back from one. Kaz didn't seem to know his surroundings. 

Inej took a deep breath. 

"Kaz. You are at the Slat. In the Barrel. We are in your room, it's a mess by the way you should clean up later.", she told him with a light tease. "Your cane is to your right; you look a little shaken so you should probably use it.", probably on instinct, Kaz reached out and closed his hands around the crow head.  
Inej moved a little closer.

His breathing evened somewhat, and his glossy eyes cleared. He looked at her in confusion, he hadn’t even realized it was her talking. Then his mouth opened a little before clamping shut promptly.

His gaze moved towards the still rigid cat. 

“I didn’t.”, he said in a whispery tone. 

Dirtypaws quickly averted her eyes from the wall and meowed at him. Looking as if he was in a daze, Kaz moved his hands towards the feline wiggling its way free of Inej’s arms. He took her and held her close to his chest.

“I shouldn’t have – you should have stayed. I’m sorry. So, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry.”, he mumbled. He said a few more sentences that Inej didn’t quite catch, but guessing from DP’s contend purr, he was calming down. 

Inej pursed her lips and kneeled down, where she picked up the fallen blade.

"Kaz.", she mumbled after a moment of silence, twisting the sharp device in her hands. " _Kaz._ "

She didn't yell, or shout, or raise her voice. Her voice was completely calm, if only a little intense.

Kaz stood rigid. His back straight, it looked like it hurt.

 _Heck,_ Inej thought with a frown, _It hurt to watch!_

Her partner let out a strangled noise from the back of his throat and put the kitten even closer to his chest. Dirtypaws fidget a little, but otherwise didn't complain.

"Kaz.", Inej said, slowly getting to her feet. 

"Wraith."

When Inej finally met his eyes they were guarded and closed off. Like always. She had to confess it surprised her to see him transform from the vulnerable boy he truly was to the Bastard he always pretended to be.

 _Dirtyhands._

They'd whisper on the streets when they thought no one was listening. 

Mothers would warn their children not to go out at night, whether they lived by the Barrel or almost outside of Ketterdam. 

They'd tell them that the Demon among Man would get them and the children would cower in fear and hide under their blankets.

Even the bravest of man wouldn't take a stroll towards the Slat with Kaz residing there. 

None of them new what really lay beyond that mask, none of them new that there was mask. They saw what they wanted to see. 

A monster under the bed that they could spin bedtime stories with. 

Nobody considered Kaz human, really. Even the Crows sometimes doubted his humanity. 

Inej never did, though. And she'd spill all her thoughts in a heartbeat.  
She was Kaz's spider. His spy. His most loyal. 

She knew him better than he did at times, though Kaz seemed to have everything figured out.

She stepped closer to him. 

_++_

"Did you use it?", she wasn't rude. She just had to know. 

Kaz stared her down, Inej didn't even blink. "Behind you." 

_Not one for words right now,_ she looked at the hole in the wall. 

The dark dots were still there, blood. 

"You didn't?", she asked without turning her head to meet his gaze. She hadn't wanted to ask, she wanted to imply. But she wasn't sure. 

He growled.  
"Of course I didn't! Did you really think I would not be able to stay clean for more than a year?! My scars are fading, they don't play a role in my life anymore and the thing that gave them to me has long since been locked away! You trusted me. You said you did. I trusted you when you told me yoU WANTED TO USE THAT WINDOW-!"

"THIS IS NOT ABOUT MY MISTAKES!", Inej yelled back just as fiercely as he did. "I TOLD YOU SEVERAL TIMES - WERE YOU EVEN LISTENING? _ARE_ YOU LISTENING?! _ARE YOU!!_ "

Kaz roared at her and threw the thing closest to him at her. It was just an ordinary pen, but have you ever thrown a pen at someone's head with the direct intention to harm them?

(Just what I thought.) 

To cough up in the moment, Inej saw the gesture to late and moved a side just the smallest but to late.

It cut her slightly above her right temple, a small cut but deep enough to let small drops of crimson run down to her chin. 

The pair seemed to come to their senses as they both looked at the pen laying aimlessly on the floor.

Kaz stammered out a quiet (maybe) apology and opened a drawer at his desk. He took out a small bottle of Disinfectant and put some on a tissue.

Carefully, he began swiping away the blood on Inej's face. She didn't move.

"I told you I _would_ have used that window to get out of my misery.", she recalled a conversation from when they first met. "You helped me out -" 

He cut her off. "And you me. I am...sorry."  
His raspy voice soft and comforting for a change.

Inej sighed. "The others probably had these thoughts as well. Did these things as well."

She glanced at the fallen razor blade. 

"I doubt Jesper ever really considered suicide an option."

Inej sniffed, sadly. "Who knows. As far as we know, Matthias might have scars that do not involve Hellgate?" 

Kaz made a face, which caused the Suli to chuckle. 

"You are comparing us. I thought I told you to stop that?", he added with smirk and lay back. 

Huh, when did they move to his bed?

"You are not the only one who cuts, Kaz."

"I am not cutting."

" _Anymore._ "

He huffed. " 'Least _I_ never wanted to end it with a kiss with the street."*

Inej laughed out loud this time. She couldn't help, they were both so brilliantly stupid some times. 

* _I don't mean any disrespect to people who feel this way, I myself and some friends did not to long ago some of my friends still do. We all make jokes most of the time when we want to get into a friendly banter or just want to lighten the mood. These are actually exact words of a friend when we had a talk on 'how we would end it'. Just wanted to clear that up, on with the story!_

She smiled at him. "Well, I'm glad I didn't." 

_++_ (I won't mention anything here anymore just be prepared for darker stuff in...everything that's gonna come) 

She moved to lie beside Kaz and put a hand on his chest. "That okay?", she asked when he didn't move.

Kaz gave a small nod. 

Inej put her head on his chest. "This as well?", she whispered. 

_Baby Steps_

Kaz hummed and let his fingers draw through her messy hair. Inej just snuggled closer. Only the next day would she realize he hadn't worn his gloves. 

Outside the window, Dirtypaws flicked her tail in excitement. 

Yes, that's how she wanted her 'parents' to be. 

Oh, she was quite aware about her owner's problems with touch, that just didn't mean she had to like it. Or respect it as much, she was just his pet cat after all. 

With a high held head she trotted away, never realizing the dark shadow just around the corner. 

This, and the pearly teeth he showed while giving a sly grin, that promised vengeance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three guesses who. No rly, it's not who you think. 
> 
> NEW STORY IN TOW! BE READY TO SEE YOUR...second favorite? Idk of it was more popular than DP...ONE SHOT BE TURNED INTO A STORY!
> 
> (I'm talking about the Jes and Kazoo as cousins one)
> 
> And I'll try to update regularly!


End file.
